OK guys, I'm sorry, i know I said I would have this post up sooner and I feel like all my blog posts recently have started with a lame apology, so again, sorry!
So about a week ago I had what you could call a 'breakdown' which seems to be one I experience every 2-3 weeks or so, depending on what's bad and good in my life at the time. I'll tell you how it started. Well, I was at my family's house for sunday dinner, I didn't really mind going. I love seeing my family but I didn't realize how hard it would be to eat that much food infront of others. I hate eating infront of other people, nevermind 6! So I was almost practically crying while eating, it must have looked so obvious that I didn't want to be eating the food. It was a pretty big dinner which I found beyond hard to handle as I've been getting back into restricting recently. So after dinner I said no to desert and headed up to the bathroom. Annoyingly my cousin was in there so I went back downstairs and waited, maintaining the 'ready to purge' position and when my cousin was done, headed straight to the bathroom.
I was almost ready to purge, I tried but nothing came up. I was so angry and disappointed. I know if I had kept at it for a few minutes I probably could have purged but it was hard to do with some of my family being upstairs and I didn't want it to look obvious, me spending a long time in the bathroom after dinner. Plus I'm pretty sure they might have heard me gag or throw up and ask questions. So I cut, I cut the most I've ever cut before. And it felt damn good. I cut 8 times down my arm with a razor.
That was a week ago. All my emotions just came out and I had to cut. When I finished I didn't feel like I had done it deep enough or enough times. But along with that feeling, I looked at the cuts and felt ashamed of myself for cutting.
Okay so feel free to comment your own experiences with cutting or your thoughts on it. I'd love to hear from you! :)
Much Love, Sophie xoxo
Sunday 9 January 2011
Wednesday 5 January 2011
My Hideous School Life
So I was wondering what to post for my blog and I decided that I haven't really touched the subject of school, I mean it's not like I'm gonna say where I go or whatever but just talk about how it affects my eating disorder and other things like that. Oh and by the way I would really appreciate you all to comment and follow this blog, support me! LOL
Okay so onto school, I went back to school after our christmas/winter break on tuesday and it's now wednesday evening. Since this year I'm at a new school which has boys in it, which I have not had since I was in primary school might I add! So since I started in september, it has probably be the HARDEST transition of my life, Heck I could make a blog talking about the things I have gone through the past four months at this school. Let's just say the first weeks the hardest, and the first four months too...
I was definitely NOT thrilled to be going back to school from my winter break but surprisingly tuesday and wednesday went by very well, oddly enough. I thought the day would go by very slowly but they've both been super quick!
Tomorrow is the most stressful day of my week, i think because thursday and friday are both pretty bad for me. Anyways, I'm sure you all don't want to hear me yap on about my worst school day of the week. So i'll just get to the point.
School can make or break a person, in my case, it broke me. Hard. I'm an shy and extremely sensitive person and school, especially my new school has made me even more of an anxious person, which I think has contributed to my eating disorder, it has made me more aware of what other's think of me, how much I weigh, who in the class is skinnier than me, and if that person or persons were healthy or using the eating disorder ways to get that size. So many things conributed to who I am today, and you know what? I hate that person. I told my dad I wanted to be home-schooled, two years ago. He said no and I still am asking to be home-schooled constantly, im not a strong enough person to go through school everyday without being continuosly hurt, not a day goes by at my school where someone doesn't say anything rude to me about my appearance.
Ok so it's pretty late, almost midnight, I have to get some rest for school tomorrow, I will update again soon, hopefully tomorrow maybe, if I don't get a ton of homework. I know exactly what I'm gonna blog about, I recently had a breakdown and cut myself, I'll go into more detail in my next post.
Much Love, S
xoxo
Okay so onto school, I went back to school after our christmas/winter break on tuesday and it's now wednesday evening. Since this year I'm at a new school which has boys in it, which I have not had since I was in primary school might I add! So since I started in september, it has probably be the HARDEST transition of my life, Heck I could make a blog talking about the things I have gone through the past four months at this school. Let's just say the first weeks the hardest, and the first four months too...
I was definitely NOT thrilled to be going back to school from my winter break but surprisingly tuesday and wednesday went by very well, oddly enough. I thought the day would go by very slowly but they've both been super quick!
Tomorrow is the most stressful day of my week, i think because thursday and friday are both pretty bad for me. Anyways, I'm sure you all don't want to hear me yap on about my worst school day of the week. So i'll just get to the point.
School can make or break a person, in my case, it broke me. Hard. I'm an shy and extremely sensitive person and school, especially my new school has made me even more of an anxious person, which I think has contributed to my eating disorder, it has made me more aware of what other's think of me, how much I weigh, who in the class is skinnier than me, and if that person or persons were healthy or using the eating disorder ways to get that size. So many things conributed to who I am today, and you know what? I hate that person. I told my dad I wanted to be home-schooled, two years ago. He said no and I still am asking to be home-schooled constantly, im not a strong enough person to go through school everyday without being continuosly hurt, not a day goes by at my school where someone doesn't say anything rude to me about my appearance.
Ok so it's pretty late, almost midnight, I have to get some rest for school tomorrow, I will update again soon, hopefully tomorrow maybe, if I don't get a ton of homework. I know exactly what I'm gonna blog about, I recently had a breakdown and cut myself, I'll go into more detail in my next post.
Much Love, S
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
