Cutting Breakdown

OK guys, I'm sorry, i know I said I would have this post up sooner and I feel like all my blog posts recently have started with a lame apology, so again, sorry!

So about a week ago I had what you could call a 'breakdown' which seems to be one I experience every 2-3 weeks or so, depending on what's bad and good in my life at the time. I'll tell you how it started. Well, I was at my family's house for sunday dinner, I didn't really mind going. I love seeing my family but I didn't realize how hard it would be to eat that much food infront of others. I hate eating infront of other people, nevermind 6! So I was almost practically crying while eating, it must have looked so obvious that I didn't want to be eating the food. It was a pretty big dinner which I found beyond hard to handle as I've been getting back into restricting recently. So after dinner I said no to desert and headed up to the bathroom. Annoyingly my cousin was in there so I went back downstairs and waited, maintaining the 'ready to purge' position and when my cousin was done, headed straight to the bathroom.
I was almost ready to purge, I tried but nothing came up. I was so angry and disappointed. I know if I had kept at it for a few minutes I probably could have purged but it was hard to do with some of my family being upstairs and I didn't want it to look obvious, me spending a long time in the bathroom after dinner. Plus I'm pretty sure they might have heard me gag or throw up and ask questions. So I cut, I cut the most I've ever cut before. And it felt damn good. I cut 8 times down my arm with a razor.
That was a week ago. All my emotions just came out and I had to cut. When I finished I didn't feel like I had done it deep enough or enough times. But along with that feeling, I looked at the cuts and felt ashamed of myself for cutting.

Okay so feel free to comment your own experiences with cutting or your thoughts on it. I'd love to hear from you! :)
Much Love, Sophie xoxo

I Feel Like Cutting! And Binging and Purging!

Hey everyone,
so I'm really sorry I haven't kept my word in blogging everyday school starts next weeks so I'm not sure I will be able to post one a day then either =/
To make it up to y'all I'm gonna post two blogs tonight =]

Ok so since I haven't fasted or been starving myself for quite a while now, I'd say a week or two, which is long for me. I've been having really weird thoughts about binging and purging and cutting. I think about it everyday, I really wanna start it again, which I know is not good. I mean I cut myself 3 weeks ago and it took 2 weeks for the cuts to heal so that you couldn't see them. I have to show my arms in school 3 times a week! Monday's for pe, wednesday's for woodwork and fridays for cookery so it's reallly easy for people to notice, also, in a week I start pe on thursdays which makes things yet again harder, i prefer to cut my wrists wayyy more than anywhere else! Anyways, yeah I'm not looking forward to going back to school on tuesday the 4th!

Pretty much everyday is a constant battle in my head to not go into my en suite bathroom which I feel is constantly taunting me, I want to go into the bathroom and cut my trouble's away, I mean even now I'm super tempted to go to tesco's buy a bunch of binge food and then purge it in the toilet of my ensuite! Believe me when you're trying to stop, having an ensuite makes it all the more difficult because you have easy access staring you right in the face!!!

So I know this is kinda short but I promise to do my second blog post today and it's about NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!
If I take a few hours to post the blog it's probably because I've gone to Tesco's and binged and purged, which I'm sper tempted to do right now...

OK Anyways...

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

UPDATE!

Ok guys sorry I haven't been updating much, I just didn't have a lot to update you all on.

So I haven't been getting a good amount of sleep at all, like I don't get to sleep till like 4 in the morning, I know that it's a sign of your anorexia getting worse but I can sleep if I want to I just don't feel like it, I don't want to sleep, I love being in bed just thinking, being totally detached from the world and having control. When you're asleep you have no control of anything, what you think of or when you wake up and I think I just hate the fact that I would wake up. I hate being depressed, I don't want to live anymore, I really don't.

Weight wise I'm doing okay, I have lost some of the weight I thought I had gained over christmas, When I eat regularly I gain like a stone or half a stone depending on how much I ate and for how long but yeah I've lost some which I'm glad about. My current weight is: 7 and a 1/2 stone


Anyway yeah I just thought I'd ask you all if your eating disorder made you paranoid about anything??

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

P.S Please PLEASE comment, I get like 0 comments now, what gives???

Christmas With An Eating Disorder

So since it's almost christmas and people with eating disorder's feel the pressure even more than most other holidays. It's a time where most families join together and have one big christmas meal. I never enjoyed this, every year i can never escape this horrid tradition, i mean if i said no to the food and had a yoghurt or something my family would immediately know something was up. They would have no doubt in their mind and would send me straight to get checked into a hospital. Since i already am one of the baby's of the family.
For christmas aside from presents, the whole day leads up to the christmas meal, we have it around the middle of the day, in between lunch and dinner, there is a ton of food and as you can probably tell, i am dreading it. I going to start practising my purging, just for the christmas day meal, it will be hard but there is no way im going to gain weight over the christmas holiday and come back to school in january a few pounds or even half a stone heavier! No freakin' way!
So my advice to people struggling with their ed over christmas, maybe it's your first christmas with an ed or maybe your spending it with lots of food this year, i suggest you to treat it like any other day and any other meal. Since for christmas dinners there is always i wide selection of food, put very small amount of everything on your plate, if anyone asks questions, say you want to try everything. Don't eat too little that your family will become suspicious but not too much that you will want to purge or cut.
Remember, treatment will make you gain a lot more weight than one christmas meal will.

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

FAMILY DINNER!

So dinner was...how would you say it...WRETCHED!
We had mashed potato, carrots, chicken & stuffing. For drinks i had orange juice, i would have asked for water but they had made juice for everyone and it was already on the table when i got there. I avoided desert and had a cup of tea-no sugar, and a biscuit.
I didn't purge when i came home or cut my wrists because ive been very busy with just sooo many things. I was feeling bad for a while but i had a talk with my dad, not about my ed but about christmas and school and i feel a lot better, i really love my dad, he's my rock, the person i turn to when i need help and i hope to God he'll be here when i crash and burn.

What's everyone asking for, for christmas. I need some ideas of what to get people! :)

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

I Have A Follower!!

Hey!!!!!
I finally have a blog follower, so excited about that, LOL!

So as far as updates go i have to go to a family dinner tonight which i am very unhappy about, i like to stay as far away from food as i can, and this is NOT helping!
I'm on my "time of the month thing" which makes me feel bloated, hungry all the time and FAT! Which is why ive chosen to not weigh myself this morning, but im about to take a shower so i will then, once i get back from the dinner i will weigh myself again and see if there's a big difference, that will decipher if i chose to cut myself or not.

Who's excited for xmas? NOT ME
Unfortunately it just reminds me how my dad is not bothered to put up decorations or buy my christmas presents and its just a rubbish depressing day all together.

Will update you all later today, much love
xoxo sophie