Cutting Breakdown

OK guys, I'm sorry, i know I said I would have this post up sooner and I feel like all my blog posts recently have started with a lame apology, so again, sorry!

So about a week ago I had what you could call a 'breakdown' which seems to be one I experience every 2-3 weeks or so, depending on what's bad and good in my life at the time. I'll tell you how it started. Well, I was at my family's house for sunday dinner, I didn't really mind going. I love seeing my family but I didn't realize how hard it would be to eat that much food infront of others. I hate eating infront of other people, nevermind 6! So I was almost practically crying while eating, it must have looked so obvious that I didn't want to be eating the food. It was a pretty big dinner which I found beyond hard to handle as I've been getting back into restricting recently. So after dinner I said no to desert and headed up to the bathroom. Annoyingly my cousin was in there so I went back downstairs and waited, maintaining the 'ready to purge' position and when my cousin was done, headed straight to the bathroom.
I was almost ready to purge, I tried but nothing came up. I was so angry and disappointed. I know if I had kept at it for a few minutes I probably could have purged but it was hard to do with some of my family being upstairs and I didn't want it to look obvious, me spending a long time in the bathroom after dinner. Plus I'm pretty sure they might have heard me gag or throw up and ask questions. So I cut, I cut the most I've ever cut before. And it felt damn good. I cut 8 times down my arm with a razor.
That was a week ago. All my emotions just came out and I had to cut. When I finished I didn't feel like I had done it deep enough or enough times. But along with that feeling, I looked at the cuts and felt ashamed of myself for cutting.

Okay so feel free to comment your own experiences with cutting or your thoughts on it. I'd love to hear from you! :)
Much Love, Sophie xoxo