GoodBye 2010!

Hey everyone, sorry I didn't post twice that day, oops! I just forgot.

So im gonna do my new years resolution in this blog. It's now 11:30 and it will be 2011 in officially 30 mins! I have to say 2010 has been a pretty crazy year for me, a pretty ruff year but it's had it's small good parts. I have to say (again) that I thought I wouldn't make it through this year and just the fact that I did shows me that I am so ready for 2011, bring it on!

So my new years resolutions are (just the eating disordered related ones!):

-I want to be able to purge again, just incase I binge while I'm fasting so I can take some of the bad food out!

-I want to start fasting again and not eating, which I have been slacking on recently.

-I want to maybe start cutting again, it makes me feel so much better, maybe cut once a month max?

-I want to get more exercise done!

-I want to eat healthier!

So yeah I know they were pretty boring but whatev, please comment telling me your new years reolutions!

Ok, bye xoxo

I Feel Like Cutting! And Binging and Purging!

Hey everyone,
so I'm really sorry I haven't kept my word in blogging everyday school starts next weeks so I'm not sure I will be able to post one a day then either =/
To make it up to y'all I'm gonna post two blogs tonight =]

Ok so since I haven't fasted or been starving myself for quite a while now, I'd say a week or two, which is long for me. I've been having really weird thoughts about binging and purging and cutting. I think about it everyday, I really wanna start it again, which I know is not good. I mean I cut myself 3 weeks ago and it took 2 weeks for the cuts to heal so that you couldn't see them. I have to show my arms in school 3 times a week! Monday's for pe, wednesday's for woodwork and fridays for cookery so it's reallly easy for people to notice, also, in a week I start pe on thursdays which makes things yet again harder, i prefer to cut my wrists wayyy more than anywhere else! Anyways, yeah I'm not looking forward to going back to school on tuesday the 4th!

Pretty much everyday is a constant battle in my head to not go into my en suite bathroom which I feel is constantly taunting me, I want to go into the bathroom and cut my trouble's away, I mean even now I'm super tempted to go to tesco's buy a bunch of binge food and then purge it in the toilet of my ensuite! Believe me when you're trying to stop, having an ensuite makes it all the more difficult because you have easy access staring you right in the face!!!

So I know this is kinda short but I promise to do my second blog post today and it's about NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!
If I take a few hours to post the blog it's probably because I've gone to Tesco's and binged and purged, which I'm sper tempted to do right now...

OK Anyways...

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

UPDATE!

Ok guys sorry I haven't been updating much, I just didn't have a lot to update you all on.

So I haven't been getting a good amount of sleep at all, like I don't get to sleep till like 4 in the morning, I know that it's a sign of your anorexia getting worse but I can sleep if I want to I just don't feel like it, I don't want to sleep, I love being in bed just thinking, being totally detached from the world and having control. When you're asleep you have no control of anything, what you think of or when you wake up and I think I just hate the fact that I would wake up. I hate being depressed, I don't want to live anymore, I really don't.

Weight wise I'm doing okay, I have lost some of the weight I thought I had gained over christmas, When I eat regularly I gain like a stone or half a stone depending on how much I ate and for how long but yeah I've lost some which I'm glad about. My current weight is: 7 and a 1/2 stone


Anyway yeah I just thought I'd ask you all if your eating disorder made you paranoid about anything??

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

P.S Please PLEASE comment, I get like 0 comments now, what gives???

I HATE MY LIFE

So I'm sorry I haven't updated much, I will totally get back to doing once a day update's now.

OMG I really HATE christmas, like hate with a passion! I used to love it but once my mother died when I was five we always spent christmas at other people's houses or on holiday's to escape the stupid tradition. But this year since we moved here we haven't been able to go on holiday so were forced to face christmas. It's christmas eve now and my dad has succeeded at destroying the so called "happiness" of christmas.

He hasn't even got any christmas decorations, and it's christmas eve! Were probably the only house without a christmas tree and the only house with no presents, I'm literally crying while I'm writing this. What I want for christmas is to be a part of a different family, one that is happy and far, far away from this one. I know that sounds like all the movies and then the person realizes how much they miss their old life, well that wouldn't happen. I hate my life so much.

My brother this year is of course getting his £40 ps3 game, I however am getting a pair of earrings I didn't ask for and didn't want. I had a specific list that he didn't follow, I mean he could have at least just given me some money to go towards the thing I wanted. But no, he had to bee a fucking dick head and make me be so depressed I end up cutting myself on christmas eve!

I wish I had a family where I had 3 older brothers who were fun and protective of me or a twin sister who I did everything with and would be my best friend and parents who were still together.

Honestly, I'm not trying to put anyone down because believe me I wish I could celebrate christmas like you probably can but I have nothing to celebrate in my life.
Please pray for me so that tomorrow morning I wake up in some other life where I'm actually happy. Oh and no I'm not just depressed because of the eating disorder, of course that makes it worse but I've always hated how my family is and I've always been jealous of others' families. Ever since my mum died. My family's soul died with her.

PLEASE COMMENT ME TELLING ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT :)

xoxo Sophie

General Anorexic Update

Hello to the only two people that follow me! As that seems to be my only audience, but whatever.

So this is just a general update, i haven't done one of these in a while so i thought i'd do that today.

So i've been learning to cope with being a little heavier on the scales, I've started to go out and do christmas shopping which is a LOT of walking around. Another good option would be to clean a lot, i spend around an hour each day doing it. It keeps you on your feet and moving so your burning constantly calories. Plus it boosts your metabolism which i crucial, it means that you can afford to have a few extra calories than normal.
It's been hard being at home all the time and constantly eating together but i think what really helps is looking forward to christmas, i know i said i wasn't looking forward to christmas and trust me im not, but i am looking forward to spending more time with my family, as im usually busy with school. But I'm on my christmas break now which i think is two weeks.

My favourite thing to do in the holiday is knit or read a good book in some peace and quiet. What's your favorite thing?
Has anyone got some good eating disordered related books?
Im currently reading the mother daughter diaries by clare shaw.

Please comment, it motivates me to update more!!!


New update tomorrow, Much Love, Sophie xoxo

Christmas With An Eating Disorder

So since it's almost christmas and people with eating disorder's feel the pressure even more than most other holidays. It's a time where most families join together and have one big christmas meal. I never enjoyed this, every year i can never escape this horrid tradition, i mean if i said no to the food and had a yoghurt or something my family would immediately know something was up. They would have no doubt in their mind and would send me straight to get checked into a hospital. Since i already am one of the baby's of the family.
For christmas aside from presents, the whole day leads up to the christmas meal, we have it around the middle of the day, in between lunch and dinner, there is a ton of food and as you can probably tell, i am dreading it. I going to start practising my purging, just for the christmas day meal, it will be hard but there is no way im going to gain weight over the christmas holiday and come back to school in january a few pounds or even half a stone heavier! No freakin' way!
So my advice to people struggling with their ed over christmas, maybe it's your first christmas with an ed or maybe your spending it with lots of food this year, i suggest you to treat it like any other day and any other meal. Since for christmas dinners there is always i wide selection of food, put very small amount of everything on your plate, if anyone asks questions, say you want to try everything. Don't eat too little that your family will become suspicious but not too much that you will want to purge or cut.
Remember, treatment will make you gain a lot more weight than one christmas meal will.

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

FAMILY DINNER!

So dinner was...how would you say it...WRETCHED!
We had mashed potato, carrots, chicken & stuffing. For drinks i had orange juice, i would have asked for water but they had made juice for everyone and it was already on the table when i got there. I avoided desert and had a cup of tea-no sugar, and a biscuit.
I didn't purge when i came home or cut my wrists because ive been very busy with just sooo many things. I was feeling bad for a while but i had a talk with my dad, not about my ed but about christmas and school and i feel a lot better, i really love my dad, he's my rock, the person i turn to when i need help and i hope to God he'll be here when i crash and burn.

What's everyone asking for, for christmas. I need some ideas of what to get people! :)

Much Love, Sophie xoxo

I Have A Follower!!

Hey!!!!!
I finally have a blog follower, so excited about that, LOL!

So as far as updates go i have to go to a family dinner tonight which i am very unhappy about, i like to stay as far away from food as i can, and this is NOT helping!
I'm on my "time of the month thing" which makes me feel bloated, hungry all the time and FAT! Which is why ive chosen to not weigh myself this morning, but im about to take a shower so i will then, once i get back from the dinner i will weigh myself again and see if there's a big difference, that will decipher if i chose to cut myself or not.

Who's excited for xmas? NOT ME
Unfortunately it just reminds me how my dad is not bothered to put up decorations or buy my christmas presents and its just a rubbish depressing day all together.

Will update you all later today, much love
xoxo sophie

IM BACK

Hi... didn't expect me to blog again did you? Probably not. I'm kind of annoyed, i have no blog followers and no comments for any of my blog posts, i wonder if anyone even reads the posts i write? It would be nice to know if im simply wasting my time with this.

So it's been almost a year, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.

Things that have Changed:
I moved countries and school
I actually TRY at school
I have made friends
My grandma died
I haven't purged in 6+ months
I'm slowly starting to find happiness

Things that have stayed the Same:
I still like to starve myself
I started to cut again, the last time i had cut was my last blog post (1 year ago!)
I don't go a day without thinking about my weight
I'm still depressed
I still am a nervous wreck and anxious all the time
I still isolate myself from others on a regular basis

BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that im eating normally and have been for a few months, and what i mean by eating normally is that i have to eat at the school and most of the time i succeed in eating without purging, but then i turn to cutting. I am trying to cope with gaining weight, unsuccessfully i must say but i can cope with staying the same weight if the weight is under 7 and a half stone.

So i hope to keep updating this blog regularly, that is if i get some freakin' response people! (hint hint!)

If you have PrettyThin feel free to add me and we could talk, im ana_fairy on there :)

xoxo

Saturday 6th Feb 2010

ok sorry i haven't posted in a while, have had a very traumatic few days, yesterday was without a doubt the worst, i tried to purge after eating again but it didn't work. i cut my wrists cause, well i don't know why. i took some pills for the pain, it didn't hurt that much i was just bored really. today in went out to topshop and got a dress and jumper, very cute but the dress makes me feel fat, sort of

Wed 3rd Feb 2010

oh my god! so much happened today, well i talked to my ana buddy and we were both gonna purge after eating but she chickened out so i didn't see much point in doing it because i didn't eat that much or feel that sad.
Then i talked to my dad, he can get me to open up my feelings, when even i didn't know i was feeling that way, i didn't tell him about my ED cause i don't wanna hurt him, then i found out that my grandma is in the hospital with pneumonia for the second time this year.
I went to the bathroom after my dad made me eat some scones and drink ovaltine. Tastes gross, so i tried to purge but i couldn't i was so close until my dad knocked on the door and i realised he could hear me chocking on my toothbrush, even over the water on. So i will purge, but when im home alone, if i ever am.

2nd Feb 2010

Okay so I made a new friend today and she's so nice, were helping eachother too loose weight and stuff, she thinks my legs r too die for and i think her stomach is too die for. Its quite funny really because we both envy eachother.
Has anyone heard about rhodes farm clinic, its near me. Have seen lots of documentaries on it.
Okay so im trying to diagnose myself and i have almost all of the symptoms, one of the only ones i don't have is heart failure, probably because its not gotten that serious yet.
I weighed myself today, i weigh about 7 and a half stone, i must get a more precise scale, probably on friday.
I fear the worst because i still have lots of weight i want to loose and i have no proper idea how.

1st Feb 2010

Hi im Sophie and this is really just me introducing myself and what my blog is going to be all about.
I am struggling with anorexia, although i have not been medically diagnosed, because, well i haven't told anyone about it.
I am only 13, but I already have lots of goals in life and they are being crushed along with my future in new zealand which i will hopefully be moving to later this year with my father and brother.
My life has always been full of depression:
-my mum died when i was 5
-my family think my dad is an incapable father and i fear they will go mad with rage when we tell them were moving (which as u can probably guess we haven't done just yet :) )
-i have moved classes lots of times for several reasons
-i had an abusive friend
-and i think i am becoming or already am anorexic

i'll save you the rest of my depression as even i find it boring, i am charmed that you have found my blog interesting enough to read and hopefully continue to, and i promise they will get better :)

i promise to upload every day and hopefully i can have some followers to make friends with :)
sophie xoxoxxoo